Too Good for Him

Being back in my apartment was like stepping into a different reality.  Like it was someone else's life.  I was back in EC working on my theatre research grant.  The first night I spent time with a friend I've had since freshman year.  We sat on her roof drinking tea, talking, and listening to a band practicing their music a few houses away.  It was beautiful.  It felt like this:

But the longer I was there, the more I realized that I was bored.  I have been asking for a vacation.  And when I got it, finally I was alone and finally I had some peace and quiet, I was bored.  I desperately wanted sushi.  And an apple.

You know what this looks like?  Heaven.

Coming back to Hazelhurst made Eau Claire feel like a blur.  It's like I said, there are worlds between this life and my life there.  Music Man is over. Five pounds later.  The dress I could hardly zip two months ago felt almost too roomy tonight.  Tonight, on a full stomach, I weigh what I did in high school during the overlap of winter guard and track.  But I digress.

Music Man was quite the run.  I loved it.  I hated it.  I learned a lot.  The pressure I put on myself initially was overwhelming.  It was my first time as a female lead who sings.  I don't have the training to do that.  There were a lot of tears.  And a lot of stressed out, sleepless nights.  When we had our first/final dress/tech the day of opening, it was a disaster and I still didn't know my lines.  I wasn't confident in my voice, and definitely wasn't confident in other people.  But I pushed through.  As the shows continued, they got better.  My singing got better.  The transitions between shows tightened up.  But when it was 105 degrees in the theatre under the stage lights, people got dehydrated and cranky.  People sat in front of fans and talked so that I could hear them from the stage.  Water bottles littered the ground and chipmunks ran around in the dressing room.  It was crazy.  It sounds funny now, but kissing a man who is absolutely dripping in sweat was not, let me repeat, not fun.

And then what happens but the weather turns and it's freezing.  The last few days/nights we were dragging blankets around backstage and huddling like penguins.  I even found out that the man who played Marcellus was drunk most of the run of the show.  He apparently chewed gum on stage too.  The part that hurt me the most though, was that my Harold Hill got worse with each performance.  The audience wouldn't have known and most of the cast didn't realize, but it seemed like he stopped caring.  He started a secret relationship with our Oklahoma!'s Laurey and stopped caring about anything else.  Preoccupied I guess.  (I said secret because there's not a lot of us who know.  He doesn't even know that I know.)  The point is, each night I found it harder to act opposite of him because he lost his charm onstage.  Harold Hill became a dork.  A jerk.  Unpleasant somehow.  Not believable and not likable.  Not to me at least.  I had to act my butt off.  The problem is that Harold is such a well written character, that people like him no matter what.  So of course he got compliments.  He did a good job.  I just didn't ever see him strive for something better.  Plus Marian is just too good for him.  And I hate that she falls for him anyway.  She's so smart.  She's not waiting for some man.  He falls into her lap and she has the knowledge and ability to take him down but she doesn't because she gets trapped under his spell.  And then when she's thinks she's not under his spell and thinks that she's making an informed decision, she goes to him anyway.  Even though she's too good for men.  She fails.  I love her, but I think she failed me.

And of course, every night the owner thanked people in his curtain speech.  Thanks to the light designer/board op.  Thanks to the accompanist.  Thanks to the "director" (guy who played Hill).  Thanks to our wonderful volunteers/the community member actors.  No thanks to me.  No mention of costumes.  You know how much it sucks to be in costuming?  People complain like nobody's business.  People make snide remarks.  People think they can change their costume without asking.  I see people go out onstage with their costumes on wrong because they wanted to "try something else" without asking.  No one asks.  No one respects costuming.  No one is happy that they're not going onstage NAKED.  But whatever.

I started this post because I wanted some kind of sentimental release.  It turned into a rant.  Obviously.  The point I was trying to make to myself is that it was beautiful in its suckiness.  It was encouraging despite the train wrecks.  I hate endings.  So I got teary at the very end of the show and had to pull it together for curtain.  I still want to be sentimental.  But I'm finding it hard.  I'm too tired to be sentimental.  But I do know that's I've grown a heck of a lot as a person, as an actor, as a singer I guess I could say too.  But now I'm tired.  I just want to sleep.

Cheers.

Just Breathe

Oh my goodness... I was sitting on the dock on the 4th, hanging out with my family when I realized... I had neglected to update this little doohickey for too long.  I can't even remember my life anymore.  OH!  Right, right, right.  So that crazy director guy DID quit.  Again.  But this time we tried to replace him.  Well that didn't work out too well because we were still running shows.  And besides 'directing,' he was in every show (minus one).  So everyone who was going to take his acting roles walked out because they were freaked out about having to learn the parts in less than a day.  So it turned out that he had to stay for a while and then we slowly replaced him in every role but two.  He doesn't sparkle on stage anymore.  And he screws up a lot more often than he used to.  Sucks for him.

It's now been ten days since I started this post.  And today just happens to be the morning after the opening of....

Marian had been scaring me since day one.  As we approached opening, there were many more things to worry about, costumes, people missing entrances, people not knowing their lines or songs, choreographing, quick changes...  I had so much to worry about I could hardly keep my head wrapped around my own lines and blocking and songs.  So I worried about singing and being heard.  I worried about the 90 degree weather.  I worried about being abandoned on stage when other people forget their lines.  I worried about looking stupid.... it was frightening.  Especially after a horrible horrible dress rehearsal.  So opening night, just a few hours after that final dress, things improved... to a certain degree.  I was abandoned on stage.  Several times.  People forgot their lines.  I had to save the day.  People forgot their entrances.  I had to call for them in character.  The lights came up in the wrong spot.  I had to sing in the dark until I could meander over to where the light was.  I was so sweaty that I hardly made my quick change because I was getting stuck in the long sleeves (plus I think I've lost enough weight from stress that my petticoat hardly even fits anymore) and the zipper kept eating the fabric along the sides and I couldn't do much about it because we were in pitch black because the black light burned out during the performance.  So when I finally made it on stage I was a bit breathless which was not good because one of the most iconic songs of the show was coming up and I couldn't breathe.

But the audience loved it.  They loved me.  When Rory (Hill) and I came out for our bow, they cheered really hard.  And when I had my solo bow, they cheered even harder.  People told me I was beautiful.  That I had a beautiful voice.  A gift.  A wonderful talent.  One man said that I broke his heart and made him cry.  Now hearing some of these complements while standing next to Rory, who has the brightest, strongest tenor voice I've ever heard, is amazing.  I have been so insecure about this role, and so stressed out, and absolutely nauseated the entire week.... It felt pretty good.  Even though I had to cry a little bit after we ended, I survived.

Only nine performances left.  Two of them are today.  It's going to be a long one.  I'm going to review my script and get going on hair and makeup.  Cheers.